The dishes are done. The babies are snoring. The jasmine and-honey moisturiser on your skin makes you feel all delicious, and you’re sure the neckline of your new negligee will get him panting. But before you can put the sex goddess act together, your husband is speeding through the standard grind of the missionary position. And you are trying to recall the last time you both were wrapped in a down-and-dirty 69, or nibbled each other to orgasmic oblivion. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.

According to a report published in the The New York Times, ‘…in long-term relationships, women are more likely than men to lose interest in sex, and to lose it sooner. Because women’s idea of passionate sex depends far more centrally on novelty than men’s.’

Sweeping generalisations are unfair, so we asked women how they were coping with monotony.

“I am not bothered about wild sexual positions, but I can’t bear it when he refuses to so much as kiss my lips outside the bedroom and then lunges on me when I hit the bed,” says Mridula Awasthi*. The 37-year-old art director adds, “I love cuddles and kisses, not just as foreplay, but even when an orgasm is not the end objective,” says Mridula. “I know if he is demonstrative outside the bedroom, I will feel sexually charged when he touches me in bed.”

Rati Kumar, a 38-year-old banker, shares Mridula’s exasperation. Rati finds it amusing that her husband waits for her son to sleep to ‘attack’ her. “For him, sex is a chore to be done on weekends in a limited time window. Earlier, we used to experiment with positions. He no longer brings me flowers or whistles the way he used to when I drape a sari.” We ask her if she has shared her needs with her partner, to which she answers: “What’s the point? He retreats into his shell.”

Mumbai-based sexologist Dr Uttam Dave feels lack of communication is the underlying cause of most sexual hurdles. “Even if they have been married for a decade, a man and woman may not know each other’s fantasies or erogenous zones. More than being guilty about morals, you need to honestly ask yourself if you have given up too soon.” If you haven’t tried hard enough to keep the zing alive, you have no right to complain.

Get in the mood
Discover your body:

When was the last time you touched your body? Feel its textures, curves, dips and planes. You need to feel sensual about yourself before you can ask your husband to feel appreciative towards you.

Touch him:

Run your fingers through his hair when he is lazing in bed. Rub his back when he is watching TV. Nuzzle. Fondle. Tickle. Send him a naughty SMS. Tell him he smells sexy.

Experiment:

Consider using sex toys if you are both comfortable. There are many delightful aids that can be ordered online. Order a vibrator and ask him to simply watch as you stimulate yourself. If he enjoys porn, try watching a movie with him instead of shrinking away from the thought.

Get adventurous:

Find a shared hobby. It could be listening to music, exercising or trekking. The shared activity could bring you closer and set the mood for fresh intimacy.

*NAME CHANGED ON REQUEST