Interior decorator Arundhati Bajaj is facing a problem that she has no clue how to cope with—she wants more sex than her fiancé.

The couple has been together for two months, but Arundhati suspects that their incompatible libidos could flare up into a long term problem. “It is very clear,” says Arundhati.

“Ashish thinks I want much more from him than he can possibly give. It’s very disappointing and I don’t know if what I feel is normal.”

Arundhati is not the only one who is baffled. Centuries of conditioning have made it easier for us to cuddle up to the idea men are lustier than women. Though mismatched levels of desire are common, so far it has been mistakenly believed that it is always the woman who comes up with an excuse to skip sex. However, if you feel you are the one who is taking the initiative in the bedroom and your man is shying away, writer Michele Weiner Davis’s book The Sex-Starved Marriage can be a reassuring read.

Michele says one in three couples is groping with a sexual equation that is skewed against the norm. Sexologist Dr Prakash Kothari too feels the problem is not uncommon as we have believed: “There is nothing that proves that it is always the man who has a stronger sexual desire. The level of libido depends on the situation and mood the couple finds themselves in.”

Why men aren’t interested

It is natural to feel shunned when you are all over him and he is trying his best to shrink away subtly. But it may help to know that the reasons for low sexual drive in your man need not always be waning sexual attraction towards you. Stress, low self-esteem or even over-masturbation can rob him of his vigour. “Long hours and stress at work surface in the bedroom as lethargy and disinterest towards the partner,” says sexologist Dr Mahinder Watsa. “Low testosterone levels, obesity and other lifestyle problems are also to be blamed.” Try asking yourself if you are taking each other too much for granted. “Most couples undermine the effectiveness of foreplay,” says Dr Kothari.

“It, of course, arouses a woman, but gets a man ready for intercourse as well. You need to let him know what you want to enhance sexual desire.” It is also important to ascertain if your libido is indeed abnormally high. You’ could be craving more sex due to psychological problems or medication. But if these reasons are eliminated, one has to simply acknowledge that the woman is genuinely not gaining the sexual satisfaction that she desires from her man. In this case, Dr Kothari recommends the use of aids like high-speed vibrators. “She can fantasise about whoever she wants and depend completely on self-satisfaction.” Your mind is the most erotic organ. Explore it and you’ll find a whole world of pleasure opening up.

Dynamics of desire

According to Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, neither sex has a stronger desire; they just tend to have different desires.

“Women tend to experience responsive desire”—in which interest is sparked after sexy times have begun— “while men experience spontaneous desire,” which seems to spring out of nowhere. This difference can create the appearance that male desire is stronger, but “what I’ve found is often quite the opposite”.